Tuesday, May 7, 2002 Washington, DC -
The Snoochie Boochies expansion team will take the field vs. their long time rivals T-Subcommittee today, May 7, 2002 at 7:15pm. Training camp this past Sunday put opposing scouts in a flurry as they have to try and defend against the Boochies' heavy kickers Miko Angeles and Mike "Adrian" Kerby. "Yeah, soccer has paid off," said Angeles in an interview, "but there are still bets going on if I will whiff the ball this season, d'oh!!" The Snoochie Boochies were also surprised to see that they have acquired speedsters Rick Reese and Martin Micklin in this year's expansion draft. "I can't kick or field, but I sure can run," said Micklin.
Early reports also show that The Snoochie Boochies have a stingy defense to compliment their potent offense. The fielding of Steve Lauritson and Jeremy "Webmaster" Dunn will have opposing offenses in a flurry as they will have to try all season long to sneak a runner in.
"Say all you want about our guys," said Coach M. in a rare interview, "but our secret weapons are our girls. That's all I'm gonna say." Coach M. declined to elaborate after further questioning.
Just how excited is the team for their season opener? "How else would anyone want to spend their Tuesday afternoon? We'll be kicking balls, kicking butt, and drinking beer! God I love this job! Go Boochies!" said speedster Jen Arqueta.
Tuesday, May 14, 2002 Washington DC -
The Snoochie Boochies's (0-1-1) dominating play last night resulted in a 7-7 tie with The Red and Blue. The defense was led by the improved pitching of Miko "Captain Crunch" Angeles (1 run, 2 RKI's) and flattening a baserunner. "This week was my patented curve ball, next week it'll be the ball breaker." "Too-Tall" Tyler Mounsey (1 for 1, 1 run) helped with solid defensive play at 1st base to shutout the Red and Blue for the first two innings.
The hits and the runs came early as left fielder Martin "Eugene" Micklin (2 for 2) led the charge as he scored the first run. "Coach told us to score early rather than score late like we did in the last game, besides someone had to pave the way for slowpokes Terri, Uder Kerby and Miko." Right fielder Terri "WoW" Levine (2 for 2, 1 run, 1 RKI) was the surprise of the game. "I'm surprised too! Usually, when someone calls me WoW, its not about how I play." Assistant Capt. Uder Kerby (2 for 2, 1 run, a double, 2 phone numbers from 2 dudes) played solid at shortstop. "See ball, kick ball...it's that simple and doesn't hurt, now you practice on me," said the Assistant Capt.
2nd basewomen Arianna "Boom-Boom" D'Urso (1 for 2) and "I Dream of" Jenny Argueta (1 for 2, 2 RKI's and 2 numbers from guys) had the invisible force field up as no balls were hit to second base. "Look at all these guys making plays like suckers," said D'Urso. "All we had to do was look tough and no one dared kick to us," said Argueta.
Jeremy "Evil Eye" Dunn (0-1) started at 3rd base and backed up Kerby at shortstop. "I think I know why the other team was intimidated by us, beside the fact that we knocked 2 of their girls on their butt, I think the evil eye I gave that one girl was the icing on the cake."
Catchers Julie Moriarty and Sara Moss were behind the plate controlling home. "We did our job. We just needed to make the pitcher feel relaxed. We tried everything except taking him to the Sun Spa. Oh we'll save that for next week."
Short Centers Mary Beth "The Original" Kerby nabbed a fly ball and provided a spark for the defense. "I just opened my eyes and found someone had handed me a ball. Wow! Now if I could only do this at Lulu's." No balls were hit to short center again. Relief short center Danielle "Anti-Preakness" Lin was talkin smack. "Yeah boy! Now don't you ever come near short center again! Whatchou gots!?! Y'all ain't got nuttin on me!"
Right center Rick "Popfly" Reese (1 for 1), breathed a sigh of relief as he made it on base despite the popfly. "They hired me for defense, I didn't say I was an offensive stud. Well I may be offensive, but that's another story."
Left centers "Disco" Tom Webster (1 for 2, double, 1 RKI) and Joe "Baby" Piazza (1 for 1, 2 RKI's) held strong and caught anything that came their way. "Tom played great out there, he had a good put out. But then again, that's what Tom does...he puts out!! Ladies, you can reach him at 800-NEKD-TOM," said Webster's agent.
1st baseman "Dropsy" Dan didn't drop any balls, but he tagged a girl out so hard she was on the floor. "At least I didn't drop any balls this game, I hate it when balls fly across my nose and smack me in the face."
Newcombers Nate Strickler, Sareoun Sok and Phil "Waterboy" Sandoval weren't even allowed to wear the proud jerseys of The Snoochie Boochies. "They had to prove themselves first," said Coach M. of the threesome. "The Waterboy" proved to be the slugger of the three as he went 1 for 1 after his impressive kick. "That's alright, do the refs really think there was plain water in those bottles? That just h-h-h-hiigh quality H2O."
The game capitulated in the 5th inning when Steve "Sharpshooter" Lauritson (1 for 1, double) was being heckled by team mate Evil Eye Dunn for missing the baserunner. A distraught Lauritson could not be reached for comment after the game. Coach M. said, "We tied, which meant I am still sticking to my promise - we will not lose another game this season. We have a good team out there. No, we have a great team. Some of our guys could have made better plays out there, it was all mental mistakes. They're all competitors and won't make those mistakes again. See you all next week. Go Boochies!"
Wednesday, June 5, 2002 Washington DC -
The Snoochie Boochies ate up the Toe Jam Sandwiches last night with a decisive 6-2 shellacking in front of a sellout crowd yesterday at the Washington Mall. The Boochies defense was led by pitcher Miko "Suave" Angeles (1 for 2, 1 run), shortstops Kyle "Ripken" Smith (0-1) and Mike "Wide Load" Kerby (1 for 2). "The curve ball wasn't working for me last night," said the veteran right-hander, "so I had to give 'em the 'ole number 1, the heater. My team was raggin' on me for walking the TJS Captain Donna Henn, but since she has never gotten on base before, I decided to do her a favor.
"I don't know why people call me 'Wide Load,' said Kerby, "though I admit my big butt got tagged twice this season. Kickball is not a game for the meek...I mean did you see the way we beat the crap out of them, it reminded me of my 7th grade football days."
Kyle Ripken was unavailable for comment as he was celebrating with the Assistant Captain's sister.
The team was led offensively once again by Martin "I can't believe I am a Star" Micklin (2 for 2, 1 RKI and GW double play). "Wow, I haven't scored this much since I hit puberty. Then again, I still am in puberty - d'ho."
The Snoochie Boochies continued to be impressed by one of their underrated players Joe "Baby" Piazza (2 for 2, 2 RKI). "I thought playing truth or dare this past weekend with some hot chicks from Sequoia's was fun, but kicking the Toe Jam's butt was even more fun."
The game did not come without drawbacks as 3rd baseman Jeremy "Snap, Carackle & Pop" Dunn (1 for 2, 2 RKI) blew out his hamstring. The team is still watching game films to determine if he blew it running to first or chasing one of the 12 year old girls on the field trip. "I do remember running towards the field trip," recalled Dunn, "then I remember sprinting when I heard Kerby yell dibs."
Nate "Dogg" Strickler (0-1) held solid at first base containing the runs. When asked about his thoughts about the game, "Ain't nothin' but a g-thang baby," commented Nate " D-O-to the double G." When asked what was the story behind his colorful nickname, "Hey, I'm just doing what Tyler told me to do," said Nate Dogg.
"Dropsy" Dan (1 for 2, 1 RKI) was excited as he was promoted up the kicking order to number 2. He was so excited that he dropped a pop fly to first. "Hey, if it wasn't for me...well then...nevermind."
Right center anchored by Rick "Secretary of Defense" Reese (2 for 2, 1 run), assisted in holding a runner to first. "Well, I didn't catch any balls out there, but I did catch crabs, does that count? By the way, for the record, I would like to be known as the Administrative Professional of Defense."
Daniell "F-Cup" Lin (1 for 1, 1 Run) recorded her first run of the season. "It's about time I scored. I am just so happy that Rick and I scored together for the first time. What a great memory for my virgin run. I think I'll as him to marry me."
"Professor" Ari D'Urso (0-2) who played solid at right field was thrown off her kicking groove last night. "Thank goodness I didn't have to use 'The People's Elbow' last night on the other team, but I sure as hell was close to knocking that one girl down. I also was worred about my Wonder Twin. I just hope she's ok after getting those triple E's. Now maybe people would start taking her more seriously."
Jen Argueta (1 for 2), held solid at second base. "I don't know why Kerby didn't throw me the ball at second, I guess he just doesn't like sharing his balls with girls."
Mary " I Go All the Way" Beth (1 for 1, GW out) recorded her first hit of the season and made it all the way to 3rd base. "I learned it from the best. My brother always told me, to go for the hips everytime."
Utility player "Downtown" Julie Moriarty (1 for 1, 1 Run) also recorded her first run of the season. "Wow, there was a lot of virgins here tonight. That goes to show you, if you hang out with the Snoochie Boochies, you won't be a virgin for long."
Wednesday, June 26, 2002 Washington DC -
The Snoochie Boochies ransacked the Ragin' Ravens hopes last night with a 9-4 dominating victory. "Call 'em butta, 'cause they're on a roll," said the Snoochie Boochies number one fan, President George W. Bush, as he flew over numerous times in Marine One to watch the obliteration. "That team kicks arse, I wish I had them around to kick some Taliban butt," said the Commander-In-Chief.
The President's team scored early as they recorded 3 runs in the first inning. Captain Miko "Scratch n Sniff" Angeles (2 for 2, 2 RKI) knocked in 2 runners home as he booted the big red ball out of the ballpark with the bases loaded. "I'm excited about our win, but I'm even more excited that Playboy's 'Women of Enron' is coming out this month. However, I can't wait until they do the 'Women of WorldCom'...hmmm...Jin-Jer..."
The Boochies defense played well, limiting the opposing team to only 4 runs, frustrating the Ravens kickers. Assistant Captain Mike "Pochenko" Kerby (2 for 2, 2 runs) responded to the Ravens taunts and complaints "We're not cocky, we're just better than you."
The Snoochie Boochies offense was also throwing a kink into the Ravens dreams for a playoff run. The Ragin' Ravens pitcher was noticeably frustrated when she was getting shelled and threw some bad pitches. She was even getting more frustrated when she was up at bat. "Their pitcher was mad because she couldn't handle Miko's balls when she was at bat," said all-star kicker Martin "1.000" Micklin (2 for 2, 2 runs, 1 RKI).
The team celebrated their win in rare form on Friday night at the Rhino. "I can't believe the league threw us a party because of our dominating victory over the Ragin' Ravens," said first baseman Tyler Mounsey. "It was ridiculous," said all star baserunner Phil "The Human Compass" Sandoval, "I look up and all I saw were the women of the Snoochie Boochies dancing on the bars getting tips. But that doesn't compare to the shoulder massages I was getting from Dropsy Dan."
"Even I was tempted to go up there and hang with the Boochies," said Donna Henn, Captain of the Toe Jam Sandwiches, "But I didn't want the whole bar to slip on their own drool."
"It was a rough night, and I did wake up with a tremendous headache, which was either from the alcohol or from my head being knocked around between some chick's legs on the bar," said the Captain fo the Boochies.
One of the highlights of the night was betting on what time "Sneaky" Steve Lauritson would bail out unnoticed from the bar. Carla "Commando" Lochiatto won the pot of $20.
"The Snoochie Boochies trid to kill me," said Dropsy Popsy Dan, who is a candidate for the Most Sportsmanlike Award. "I was a new kind of drunk on Friday night. I got home and couldn't stand, I couldn't sit, I was rocked. Thanks for the good times."
Wednesday, May 8, 2002 Washington DC -
The Snoochie Boochies (0-1) played hard and tough yesterday despite heading into the 5th inning with an 8 run deficit. The Snoochie Boochies fell to the T-Subcommittee 8-5. The late rally was led by the superb base running of Jeremy "Warrick" Dunn as he trampled over the opposing team as they tried to impede his path between 1st and 2nd base. "Yeah, I just wanted to let them feel the 'magic elbow', said the unstoppable Dunn. "Someone needed to jumpstart this team. I would have done the same thing if it was that little girl they had in the dugout."
Dunn paved the way for 4 more runs as Martin Micklin, Chris Paz, Dan Poarch, and Joyce Hayes scored and the Snoochie Boochies took the deficit to 3. "I would like to attribute my success to the panda I ate for lunch," said game mvp Martin "Pandaluvr" Micklen who recorded 1 run, 4 RKI's, and 2 Kicks and made 3 outs in the field.
Captain Miko "Flatty" Angeles, who caught a line drive, was pitching and was upset about his performance. "They hit more bombs than we dropped on Afghanistan and Ka-Jackistan combined," said the angry pitcher. "I'll be working on my baby bouncies this week, so don't anyone count me out yet."
Despite the Snoochie Boochies dismal display, there was some solid performers. First basemen "Too Tall" Tyler Mounsey and Gabby "The Other" Angeles held their ground and flaunted their golden gloves. Shortstops "Nekkid" Tom Webster and Assistant Captain Mike "Uder" Kerby showed hustle as they provided the backbone of the defense.
"I was at ease and had a lot of fun out there today," said rookie Carla "Looch" Lochiatto. "The captain did a good job of making everyone feel at ease. "The Unknown" Mary Beth Kerby and "Farmer" Jen Argueta were solid behind the plate as they covered home.
The Snoochie Boochies provided a bit of excitement as Joe "Baby" Piazza sprinted to second, then back to first ending in a spectacular face first slide. After a hotly contested ruling, the refs called Piazza out as the ball had grazed his butt. "This butt has 25 years of St. Joe's Pasta! Well 24 years, since Miko ate it all that one year and I didn't have any."
Rookie second basewomen "Jumpin" Julie Moriarty and Arianna "Boom-Boom" D'Urso had enjoyed themselves on the field and in the bar. "I thought we were gonna play cups last night, then I can show the world my true skills," said the Cups World Champion "Boom-Boom" D'Urso. "I needed the other half of the Nerd Herd for my WonderTwin Powers to be activated," attested the champ.
Coach M was impressed by the enthusiasm of Sarah Moss and Joyce Porter. "I am glad we have them on the team, because I know they have so much potential. They'll be the sluggers of tomorrow!"
Dan "Dropsy" Poarch who scored a run for the Snoochie Boochies was also a bit shaken. "Those were mental mistakes I played on defense, and I promised that I'll do better next game. I just needed to work the kinks out."
Outfielder Rick "The Secretary of Defense" Reese played outstanding in the field as he nabbed 3 ball from the air. "But really...I am a secretary, I had to go and pick up Ray's dry-cleaning after the game." Steve "Little Worm" Lauritson held fast at third, making base runners think twice about rounding second.
Monday, May 20, 2002 Washington DC -
It seems as though it were only yesterday when I walked up to that theater, got my ticket to see the new hit movie Top Gun, grabbed a bag of popcorn and a mouth watering pepsi, and was inspired by one of the greatest fighter pilots of modern times...Goose. It was actually 1986, and although long overdue, this editorial is at best, a simple way to say goodbye to a hero.
As you well know, Lt. Nick "Goose" Bradshaw, better known as Goose, was killed in the hit movie Top Gun in a terrible accident involving an F-14 fighter jet. Along with his pilot and best friend, Maverick, Goose was among the elite chosen to attend Top Gun. Maverick often flew by the seat of his pants and rarely followed the rulebook. Goose, however, brought much happiness to our lives with both his comecal demeanor and antics. Whether it was singing to women in a bar, or playing volleyball on the beach, Goose and Maverick were inseparable. Goose was well known and loved for doing an inverted 4G dive with a Russian MIG and giving the pilot the finger, or bird as he liked to call it. Perhaps Goose brought the most joy in our lives when he, along with Maverick, would buzz the tower before landing. That all ended one day when Goose instantly lost his life after hitting his head on the canopy of an F-14 fighter jet after ejecting, only when it was clear that neither he nor Maverick could gain back control from a jet wash. Goose has touched a part of all our lives and truly will be missed.
As some of you may not know, Goose went on to become a doctor for the hit television series ER. I couldn't tell you his name because quite frankly, I have never watched a single episode of ER in my life. That all changed one day when I heard there was something wrong with Goose and he might die. So, much like most of the world, I tuned in for his hour-long final episode to say goodbye to Goose yet again. And I assure you, it never gets any easier. It appears this time Goose was terminally ill with brain cancer. He spent the final days of his life in Hawaii doing some of the things he always wanted to do. Sadly during that one hour his condition deteriorated quite rapidly. Then, as "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" played on his headphones, where happy little bluebirds fly over rainbows and he wonders, why, oh why can't I, and just as he came back into our lives, Goose, the greatest pilot and doctor ever, was gone again.
Somebody once told me that all of the real heroes are dead. Well, Goose, you are a hero.
Thursday, June 13, 2002 Washington DC -
The Snoochie Boochies were upset by Don't Run With Scissors late in the last inning 5-4. The Green Machine led the whole game and entered into the 5th inning 4-1. "I can't believe I've been 0-4 in sports this past week," said utility player Mike "Moron Envy" Kerby (1 for 2, 1 run triple). "I can't win at hockey, volleyball, kickball, or even foosball. It's time to relive my 7th grade glory years." Pitcher Miko "Curious Sweat" Angeles (1 for 2) was not happy about the loss. The captain commented, "I'll take care of my team, the team will be tweaked, but I need to say something to the division president about hiring Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder as umps."
The team played excellent defense during the first four innings. "We could have scored more," said Rick "Butterfingers" Reese (1 for 2). "I think I'll go hang out with Dropsy Dan now." "Rick is a bit down right now, but don't worry, I'll cheer him up and make sure to keep my hands on his butterfinger," said Danielle "Jazzy" Lin.
"I'm all excited now," exclaimed Dropsy Dan (0 for 2). "Now I've got a buddy to go to the movies with, pick up chicks with, and even play catch with. I choo-choo-choose Rick."
However, every cloud has its silver lining. The Boochie's bright spots included Nate "D to tha O to the double G" Strickler (0 for 1) for stepping up to the plate and playing well at first base. Soccer goon Ari "Boom Boom" D'Urso (1 for 2) for ripping a well placed kick at a critical time.
Kickball and movie stars Martin "Eugene" Micklin (2 for 2, 1 run, 1 RKI, triple) and "Neked" Tommy Sosa (1 for 2, HR, 2 RKI) provided the offense. "I thought starring in Midnight Madness would make me a chick magnet, but kickball has its benefits too," said Micklin. Tommy Sosa, used to being a star, has returned from filming his newest movie, "Jurrasic Pork."
A sick Tyler "Bubonic Plague" Mounsey (1 for 1, 1 run) returned to the lineup. The incumbent first baseman played tough as a utility player today while battleing a case of the crabs. "I think I caught everything under the sun...even caught crabs from Rick. Maybe I should play right center," coughed a pale Mounsey.
Despite the Boochies strong defensive presence, some hitters fell into a rut. Joe "Baby" Piazza (0 for 2) shanked 2 balls out. "I'm apologizing to all my fans, it won't happen again. I was preoccupied in planning my annual summer party on June 29th. More details to follow."
Jeremy "The Wiffer" Dunn was stunned. "That's it...I've had enough," said Coach M. "I'm sending Jeremy to the minors this week to play tee-ball kickball. If that doesn't get him out of his rut, I don't know what will."
Rookie Kyle "Ripken" Smith (2 for 2, 1 RKI, double) is one of the Snoochie Boochies rising stars, but he failed to reach home plate yesterday. Assistant Captain and big brother Uder Kerby taunted, "since he can't score with my sister, he better do his scoring on the field."
Carla "F-Cup" Lochiatto (1 for 2), celebrated a good performance on a mean game of flippy cups. "All I will say is that I've got Heavenly Booty and Heavenly Booty's got me."
The crowd went wild as "Smiley" Sarah Moss (1 for 1), knocked that ball and got on base. "Someone had to show Jeremy how to kick, and I can't wait till the Independence Division's Mid-Season Party and I'll show everyone how to drink."
Wednesday, June 19, 2002 Washington DC -
The Snoochie Boochies won last night when The Loaners forfeited the match. "They were chicken," said Miko-talia Angeles. "They were affraid of our 'Testosterone Laden' team." The Boochies held a practice with the few diehards that did show up. They were taunted by the purple team Ragin' Ravens. "They were definitely taunting us," said Joe "Italian Sausage" Piazza. "Just because they beat themselves every game doesn't mean they can beat us."
Jeremy "St. Bernard" Dunn brought a jug of his patented Jigga Juice. "I couldn't even see straight."
"I just have one thing to say to Recess Rejects," said Assistant Captain Al K. Holic. "You think you can close the bar? We've been closing the bar every night! We'll challenge you to a game of flippy cups!"
Wednesday, July 10, 2002 Washington DC -
The Snoochie Boochies continued their incredible turnaround after struggling early in the season. The team defeated the Player Haters 10-5 despite the absence of Coach Miko "A-talia" Angeles. Interim Coach Martin "1st Mate" Micklin (3-3 2 Runs) filled in as coach, "I don't even know what interim means but I took an oath to lead this team through sickness and in health, in good times and bad, til death do us part. I couldn't let Miko down."
The team rallied from a 3-0 deficit with a seven run fourth inning and overcame umpire rulings influenced by the home team. Steve "Wrong Foot" Lauritson (1-2 2B, 1R, 2RKI) was the winning pitcher who pitched the entire game, "I should probably get credit for pitching more than 5 innings since they got 4 outs in the last inning. I won't complain though, the better playing and looking team won."
Once again Tom "Ladies Man" Webster led the offensive charge (2-3 HR, R, 5RKI). "I sure was involved in a lot of scoring tonight, it reminds me of that last movie I starred in, 'Gone With My Pants." Kyle "Ripken" Smith (1-3 R) anchored the infield and saved a run by throwing out a runner at the plate, "It's hard to believe some people can miss someone when there standing three feet away and I hit my runner from 20 feet." Ann Marie "The Better" Kerby (2-2 R) and Mary Beth "The Cooler" Kerby (1-2 RKI) both stepped up on offense to make up for Mike "The Missing" Kerby. Ann Marie said, "We are used to covering for his lazy butt." While Mary Beth added, "I hope he doesn't mind that we rented out his room when he left."
Jeremy "Hamstring" Dunn (2-3 R, RKI) was able to play most of the game despite reinjuring his leg, "This game was too important to miss, plus I think I finally found a home kicking cleanup." Joe "Sweet Dreams" Piazza (1-2 2B, R, RKI) kept the big rally going, "I figured if Jeremy could get some hits, there was no reason I couldn't." "Dropsy Popsy" Dan Poarch (1-2 2R) lived up to his name early but bounced back to start the big inning, "I was motivated when I realized we were playing both the other team and the umpires. They should know to never get Dropsy Popsy angry."
Tyler "Stretch" Mounsey (2-2) made his debut at third base, "I got tired of getting yelled at playing first base so I moved to third, and then the girl slapped me. I can't win." Carla "Tough Girl" Lochiatto caught the game, "I vowed not to be steamrolled like the previous game, I want to be an intimidator."
Chis "Wanna be Miko" Paz and Amy "White Pants" Paz (1-2) showed up right at game time to save the Boochies, "We like to make a grand entrance, its no fun to actually show up for warm-ups like the rest of those suckers."
Sarah "Pete" Moss rotated throughout the field, "When I saw Miko show up in the last inning, I knew our team couldn't lose. Unless of course the umpires continued to look at everything but the game. I know our team is be far the best looking but they should have some professionalism."